HetCis: Heterophobia and Self-Destruction Among LGBTQ Folk

TRIGGER WARNING: dual references to rape, one instance of transphobic language

I have recently returned from a wonderful weekend at Twisted World: Villains & Vixens. I spent three days in the dungeon, meeting folks, playing, and watching all types. Unfortunately, I also spent some of it watching a debacle unfold in front of Me over two social networks.

Here's the short of it: a newbie gentleman was misinformed about the nature of a local party, and thought it was gay-centric. He asked on FetLife if the April event, Under One Flag, would be geared to gay or pan/straight folk. The question, although poorly phrased and somewhat insensitive, has caused the complete uprising of community members, calling out the gentleman as "making homophobic comments" and other nonsense. The first thread had to be shut down, but this laundry ended up aired on Facebook (on top of it, with a misunderstanding of the original post). When that died down, back on FetLife it went, as a diary writing. And so, I am writing My own thoughts on the matter, for posterity.

First of all, I want to explain a few things, and give My own definitions of things: When I talk about queerness, I am not talking about "standard" homosexuality. Although many have taken "queer" to mean "non-heteronormative" and use it as an umbrella term, I fully disagree. For Me, "queer," once meaning "outside the norm" or "strange," refers to the folks who do not perfectly fit into the gender/sex/orientation boxes. Additionally, I believe that "queer" applies to all areas of life beyond sexuality as "non-binary thinking." Instead of viewing things as being on a linear "either/or" scale, I view them as being on a larger graph of "with/and." When I reference "queer" in this (and most of My writing), I am specifically speaking about those who do not fit a clear box in the human sexuality spectrum. As an example for My definition, I know several "gold star" gay men who would not and could not form attraction to a pre-op FtM fellow on a sexual-romantic level. They are gay without fitting into the spectrum of "queer," for they are still tied down to the very binary concepts of what is "male" or "female," and have trouble viewing things outside of that. Does this make them transphobic? Or does that just put them squarely outside of the "queer" qualifier? This is a topic for another day, as this writing is tied to heteronormativity. I just wanted us to all be on the same page.

LGBTQ acceptance in the local heterosexual/pansexual scene is a topic of discussion. The Aviary, one of the monthly play parties I attend and DM for, strives for all kind of diversity, and we encourage the local LGBTQ scene to come out. I am always letting My fellow queers and gay boys know that they will be welcome there. In fact, last Aviary saw an amazing outpouring of gay, queer, and trans* folk coming out, with an estimated 25-30% attendance. That, to Me, is community, and shared space. I was incredibly proud to see so many people, playing side by side, socializing and interacting as a part of something bigger. All other events I attend are also LGBTQ-friendly, though some are more het/pan oriented. I am currently working on helping organize a couple of more LGBTQ-geared events, such as AndroShare, a male and male-identified monthly skill share, which I will promote in My next post.

The issue arises when a straight cisgendered guy, as the one in the thread that started this mess, says he is not interested in attending a primarily gay event. All of a sudden, the gays and queers get up in arms, saying that his statements are homophobic and that he's a jerk for even thinking that way. In fact, here are some prime examples of places the conversation went:

The fuckwad in question isn't going to inclusive parties because he doesn't want to see any gay shit.

-KJ

First of all, queer people ARE better. Let's just get that straight. Pardon the pun. We're more interesting, better dressers and more cultured. Cis-hetereos, especially white male cis-heteros are boring. Automatically not as good just for that reason.

-JoA

I mentioned on the Book of Faces yesterday that when a straight guy can't control every aspect of sexuality in the space he is in, it creates some serious anxiety.

-BT

There's this recurring theme I see here... it's called hate. I'm not going to address the individual comments, just some of their themes. If I wanted to get them individually, I'd have to copy the entire thread, and respond to everything, which would take up the space of a novella.

First, calling someone names and assuming what their reasons are for certain behaviors is not right. If someone does not want to enter a primarily gay or queer space, they don't have to, and not doing it is not a reflection of how "good" or "tolerant" of a person they are. I attend events all over the spectrum, from highly LGBTQ-inclusive mixed events where gender and orientation are not a concern to any, to extremely heteronormative parties where I am often the only LGBTQ person there (maybe with a couple of "bisexual" girls thrown in for flavoring... I put "bisexual" in quotes, because drunken straight girls kissing doesn't qualify them as "bisexual"). I am comfortable with this. But you know what? If I was a "gold star" binarist gay guy, I would very likely not attend most pansexual events. Why is that? It is not because I "fear for My safety" or "comfort." It is because My likelihood of finding a compatible partner, or observing compatible play (for pleasure or education) is greatly reduced. I am also likely to stand out a great deal if I present a certain way. For example, I have no understanding of, or experience with lesbians. Seeing them does absolutely nothing for Me: I can learn little, I'm not going to join in, and it is outside of My sphere in general. Our life experience is radically different, and I would likely not find common ground for discussion in terms of relationships or social interactions and perceptions. If I'm invited to a lesbian play party, I may not go: there is nothing in terms of play or common connection for Me, besides possible distant friendship. That does not magically make Me anti-lesbian or mysoginist. And although I am queer, I guarantee I can find a cisgendered, heterosexual male male who will share My views. He won't be in the majority, but he does exist. Just because someone has privilege over you, doesn't mean they are oppressing you just by existing. And it doesn't mean every other person just like them forms part of a greater collective of oppressors.

It's also interesting to note that when there is a majority, in any manner, attitudes will change to favor it. Let Me bring you an example you may be familiar with, dear reader. A gay guy goes into a straight bar. He may feel lonely. He may feel out of place. Hell, depending where he's at, he may even feel in danger. Got it? Good. A straight guy goes into a gay bar. He gets looked at funny (happened to Me when I was misidentified... in fact, three gay boys tried to start a fight with Me... "You don't belong in here!"). He gets felt up and made to be the butt of jokes (happened to several of My friends, often in front of Me). He gets grabbed and physically forced into a corner or stall and has to be rescued, because the attacker is about to rape him. Not practically rape him. Not sorta rape him. Rape him. And yes, this last situation has just recently happened to a friend of Mine, who now cannot go to said gay bar, because he is afraid for his safety. His actual physical, mental, and sexual safety. And when gay men in attendance were asked why they thought it was OK.. "well he's asking for it." That's called being a "rape apologist." That's not OK. Oh, and before someone says "that's because it's men," you can ask My friend Meagan about being accosted in a lesbian bar, you binarist, gendering asshole.

The difference between the two situations... none. In fact, from My own personal experience and anecdotal experiences of friends, it seems heteros (both men and women) are being assaulted in public gay spaces on a very regular basis. If you're a woman in a gay male bar, forget it. If you can bear the stares, scowls, and nasty words ("We don't want you in here, breeder bitch. Get the fuck out." - Ramrod, Ft. Lauderdale, 2008), you will likely be asked to leave. There is a difference between being tolerated and being welcome, and when the majority of a space goes from pan/het to gay/queer... many people stop feeling welcome, which is fine, as it's not their space... but they should at least be tolerated. Yet it is not something that as queers we concern ourselves about. Meanwhile, the pan/het scene is trying as hard as it can, through a varied staff, education opportunities, and less gendering restrictions to include the gay/queer/trans* communities equally, and to give them a safe space. Yet still, gay, queer, and trans* folk will quickly say "yeah, I'm uncomfortable about the hostile environment." Oh? The environment that I, as your homobrethren, live and breathe in? That's funny. You didn't seem uncomfortable when you forced your hand down My friend's pants in the middle of a bar when in "our" environment. Your friends did not seem uncomfortable when they egged you on at "our" party. They didn't seem uncomfortable when they looked at Me weird for not agreeing to assault when I was among "fellow non-straights". "But look at what he's wearing! He clearly wants it." Sorry, LGBTQ friends. "Our" spaces aren't even tolerant of those different us. And most of the time, they are not safe.

"But Sir, it's not out responsibility to make them feel that way! We were oppressed for the majority of time! When you're in first place in Mario Kart, you don't get the blue shell!" Good points. Except those three sentences deal with three different things. Being in an underprivileged group does not give you carte blanche to become the oppressors when you are in your safe space. You don't have to cater to those who have privilege over you. But you do not magically get the right to attack them or actively discriminate against them because "they did it first." The blue shell argument does not work here: when you are in a queer-exclusive space, you already have the blue shell in that space. Nastily calling out the uninformed cisgendered/pan individual who is actively trying to broaden himself is like having the blue shell, then hitting them with the power star and lightning bolt at the same time. Have you considered making this a moment for you to educate them as opposed to scorn them? Because when you decide to "put their clueless hetcis ass in its place," you're actively doing what they are doing accidentally. You know better, and are using it against them. They don't know better, and usually just made an honest mistake. A stupid mistake? Sure. A narrow-minded one? Yep. An honest one? You bet.

This leads to the idea that gay/queer folk are simply better, more creative, or more informed. Everyone, regardless of where they are on the graph of sexuality, holds privilege against another person: as a masculine-presenting, white-passing, cisgendered queer man, I have privilege over many folk. I recognize that. However, My jock-type, actually white, cisgendered straight male friend has a privilege over Me. My genderfluid, dark-skinned, lesbian girl friend... not so much. If we want to be better as people, we should drop the idea that privilege is at the root of everything, and work on equalizing the divide and educating folks their privilege, instead of slamming it in their face and denigrating them for it. You don't fix a bridge by only building from one side while tearing the other side down.

I'm sorry you were surrounded by patriarchal, intolerant, binarist douchebags. But the second you say "cisgendered heterosexual males," you are lumping a bunch of people into a single category, and attributing them hive-like mentalities. They are this thing, and therefore they think like this and do these things. I can understand that, as they are the majority of society, and the values and norms in today's world are based on white, cisgendered, heterosexual male privilege. However, the behavior you express still seems strange for Me. Let Me explain it to you in reversed terms. For most of My life, I have lived as a gay man. There was either "gay" or "straight," and "bisexual" was something in between. There was "man" and "woman," and no other options. And for the entire time that I identified this way, I felt dysphoria. Constantly. Why? Because I do not fit in well with "gay." I have an attraction to some specific (usually queer) women. I do not partake in gay media, because it seems that as a community, gay men have different tastes and interests than Me. I do not fit in with gay men's view of tribes, or with majority gay attitudes on sex. I feel differently about some social issues. Therefore, I am excluded from the "gay" club. Guess what? I'm not going to turn around and now say "All that gay men care about is RuPaul, working out, and getting laid. They should go back to listening to Kesha and twerking in their neon Andrew Christian briefs."

Labels and generalizations are dangerous. They create more boundaries that divide how we identify as people in all aspect. Look at how I present. I am what you would label as "male," correct? Upon being assigned male at birth, there were gendered expectations placed upon Me: I was to be the breadwinner. I had to feel differently about certain things, and was expected to act in a certain way. I had certain rights over others. I could not flounce, do gymnastics, or wear certain things. As a child, I couldn't play with certain toys. Those weren't things "men" did. Very well. If that's a fact, then the very concept of "man" is a societal construct, and I do not fit within it. My gender identity is closely tied to My gender role, and since I believe "queer" can be used as a qualifier, I am then both "cisgender male" and "queer" in terms of My gender identity. This makes things interesting, because now that I have finally found what feels "right" for Me, it seems some people think that I am "not queer enough." And so, it begins again. I have found a microsociety within the outcasts, which still labels folks, with privilege and oppression being used in just the same way as it does in the heteronormative world. Congratulations, LGBTQ community: you've now created a self-containing oppressive system. Go equality!

Do you remember when Fred Phelps died? A lot of My friends (especially My gay and queer friends) were quite overjoyed. I hope he burns in Hell! They should not be allowed to breed! Glad he's dead! Most of those people are not My friends anymore. First of all, Fred Phelps did more for the civil rights of African-Americans in this country than you can begin to imagine. Second, he brought more light on the intolerance against gay people than many others. Third, when you are cursing the Phelps-Roper line, hoping he is burning and writhing in agony, and publicly stating that the entire clan all be sterilized... you are doing the exact same thing they are doing. If you want to actually bring about change, try to act a little Christ-like: show compassion and forgive them. Educate. They are people. And though they treated you like animals, you don't magically get to do the same. The second you do it, you're a fucking idiot.

Yes, I believe heteronormative, cisgendered individuals needs to stop using "I have gay friends" as their automatic go-to trope to validate their accidental misspeakings, and learn to say "you're right, I'm sorry" a little bit more. But in that sentiment, I believe LGBTQ folk need to stop using "you have privilege over me and are part of the evil hetcis world trying to oppress me" to shut down arguments. Yeah, they do have privilege. And every time you tell them that, you amplify the divide between people. The natural reaction to being told you have privilege is to violently lash out with a "No I don't!" That doesn't open discourse. That shuts it down.

Meanwhile, especially relating to gender, many queer/trans* folk use the "Just fucking Google it!" approach. OK. Because we all know that the internet is not full of opinion pieces and hate speech. So let's Google "transgender," shall we? On the very first page, besides a lot of medical and political jargon, this is the only piece actually dealing with trans* sensitivity and it looks like a five-year old hammered repeatedly on a keyboard. Oh, and "ask questions" is actually one of the appropriate options (though kudos for specifying, albeit poorly, that questions about genitals are not a grand idea). The page is long, and some of the best information on it is actually near the bottom, where many may miss it. Almost everything else that is not a medical or political piece when "just fucking Googling it" has to do with life experience, history, and resources. To an uninformed person, there is very little on the topic of "sensitivity," privilege, and acceptance. And mind you, I'm actually looking. Your average cisgendered heteronormative individual would probably just read Wikipedia, which is clearly a beacon for sensitive speech (that was sarcasm).

I wonder what it must be like when someone is curious about stepping out of their comfort zone, especially when they are in a privileged group. When a cisgendered heterosexual male actually wants to educate himself or explore these issues out of his own concern. Do you still treat him like the enemy? Do you shun him, and rub his nose in what other folks from his group have done? Because if you do, chances are he'll make up his mind pretty quick after listening to you, go back to his other cisgendered heterosexual male friends and talk about his experience. "Yep, no. It's what we thought. They're angry, vapid, hateful. They only care about themselves and have turned their identity and selves into an intangible cause. I don't know why I even wanted to get to know them. No wonder we hang those people. They're animals!" And that is how oppression continues.

Have you noticed I've avoided using the word "hetcis" in this post? It's a ridiculous word (and before you argue, the correct form is "hetcis" and not "cishet") Seems harmless enough, right? But take a good look at it. What's the antonym of hetcis, if you follow the logic?

HomoTrans. Let's make it flow a little better and even say "homotranny" as an incorrect diminutive form.

OUCH! That was ugly, wasn't it? The feeling you, LGBTQ reader, are getting from having read that word combo comes from how those words have been used to harm and dehumanize you. When you say "hetcis," you are not harming and dehumanizing the majority... but that's definitely your intent. It's where you come from. You are actively saying "those people," and holding your nose as you keep your head high in disgust of just how awful they are.

I have spoken. What does this mean for Me? Personally, I don't care. You do not get to police My gender identity or My sexual orientation. You do not get to police My morals. If I have offended, good. Because when you are offended, you spend time thinking about the issues at hand. I've already lightly stated some of these issues during replies and conversations. What has that gotten Me? I'll tell you: I was just told I was a "hetcis supremacist" with an "assimilation agenda." You know what? I'll go with the second part of that. I have an assimilation agenda. I long for the day where the lines between LGBTQ and hetero/cisnormative are blurred. I long for community, and to bury the hatchet that is being held on both sides that separates "us" and "them." Do I think it will happen? Not for a very long time.

Post-Scriptum: I have checked My privilege. In fact, I went ahead and handed this to folks who I technically have privilege over, so that they may review it for asshattery. And though a few did not agree with My views, they did not find it in My writing. Additionally, these are My personal feelings on this issue. There are community leaders, here in Philly and outside of it, who may completely disagree with Me. That's fine. I'm not looking for your approval. Though you may have a completely different opinion than Me, it's still just an opinion. I can respect you as an individual. As an example, you can be a fan of "Drag Race." I am not. I feel the show is stereotypical and transphobic. But you are more than your shitty taste in television, and liking a shitty show doesn't automatically make you a shitty person. It's called "agreeing to disagree." So if you don't like what I think or say, great. Respect the fact that I at least have an opinion.