Rage

NOTE: I am suffering from extreme Top drop after a very intense scene last night, so please take this with a grain of salt. I've been displeased for some days, and quite frankly have been stewing with these thoughts.

Honestly, I'll not be getting to that article I was going to write. I don't care to.

I was just betrayed by someone I considered a good friend. One of My best, in fact. Because I have to be in a semi-work environment with her already, I am unhappy.

I pride Myself in not talking shit about people. If I have a problem with you, I'll tell you before I tell others (yes, I still will probably tell others, but I'll always let you know first that I don't like you). I behave with such cold and calculating logic, and it's always served Me well.

The reason I do this is because I have an incredible hate for sophomoric behavior. I did not like high school then, and I do not like high school now. When people around Me start behaving like they are in high school, I am so completely disgusted that I actually get physically ill.

I am sick of busting My ass and being unappreciated (haha, look at Me blogging about My issues like a high-schooler, IRONY!). Over the past year back in Philadelphia from London, I have met a ridiculous amount of people.

Quite frankly, I don't like most of you. Not all of you, but a good bit of you.

I feel constantly that I am surrounded by a whole bunch of needy children, who really do not give a fuck about My well-being either way, as long as they can get what they want from Me. From leads which I bust My ass getting, to personal friends who are only interested in My opinion or thoughts when they can get a play-date out of Me, to colorful weekly hate mail (mind you, I only post the stellar ones here). I'm constantly running around and doing things, and as fabulous as My life seems, I bust My ass. For nothing.

A call from a recent friend made it clear: I'm trying to be in too many places at once, with too many people who need Me. I need to revise who I consider My friends, and who I consider useless in My life.

I'm sick of having to "play the game." I'm sick of having to smile through gritted teeth at community leaders who have sexually abused some of My friends. I'm sick of boys who are so sexually frustrated that they don't see Me as anything else but a piece of meat, and of girls who think I'm going to whisk them away from their humdrum vanilla lives like some Disney prince.

Respect. It's not that complicated. I ask for respect for My time and respect for My person. It's one of My Ten Commandments. It shouldn't be so difficult. But of course, people are too concerned about themselves these days. Can't be bothered to utter a single politeness.

I've already cut several public events and parties out of My schedule. It used to be that I would show up because I wanted to relax and hang with friends. Nowadays, a lot of these events are Me running like a chicken without it's head, making plans and play dates, and trying to please everyone. At the end of the night, I have no actual fun, and whatever I've done doesn't guarantee a visitor to My dungeon. Yet like an idiot, I return, to keep this completely fictional idea of an "image" up.

I first got involved in fetish in BDSM because it all seemed so revolutionary and life-giving to Me. Imagine! Surrounded by people who were unashamed of their desires, and open about them. A world where the limits could be set where I wanted them to be set, where each play date was a complex neurochemical exchange that could only be called "magical."

No-one told Me that it was also a community of backstabbing gossip queens. "Did you hear what so-and-so did at such-and-such?" No-one told Me there were people that were "preferred" or whose opinions "mattered more" because of their position. Hell, I always thought people should be judged on their own merits, not by their ridiculous accomplishments or social circles. How incredibly silly of Me.

I play by the book. When it comes to actual BDSM interactions, I use basic science and research to back Myself up so I don't fuck up, or fuck My partners up. Sure, it's not always perfect and failsafe, but I try. I'm still just human. I try to always help out newcomers and as long as the basic rules of interaction that I set are followed, will go quite far for them. I've never been accused of consent violations (though I have been accused of "assholism" once or twice). I try to defend those that show promise, and deflect those that would damage others.

It seems like all of this would be enough. Not in the scene. Here, it's all about "oh, well who do you know? How long have you been doing this?" Newsflash, folks: this used to be a way for kinksters to be able to vet one another and keep each other safe. This wasn't a social model to follow. Because I can name players who have been in the local scene for over 25 years who have had major consent violations, bordering on sexual assault. Actually, wait, no... when you stick something of yours into someone's holes after they said "no," that's not bordering on anything. That's rape. So I know a rapist or five.

Expose them? I tried. Results? "Oh no! I know so-and-so! He could have never done that, because I played with him once at a public party five years ago! Oh, and he wrote all these books/articles/Writings! You must be mistaken. It's OK. You're more of a newcomer, you don't know better."

Really? How long you've been doing this is completely irrelevant if you started off with erroneous knowledge. Being a 25-year veteran of the flogger means nothing if you take advantage of your submissives' gifts.

To return to what the "issue" I recently went through was, apparently, a very good friend of mine has had a poison whispering to her, and has accused Me of that exact behavior. The exchange. paraphrased, went like this:

Me: Something happened. I'm telling you because I want you to be safe.
Her: Oh, who pissed in who's cereal now?
Me: Like I'd give a shit. It's not about a feud, it's about abuse of power.
Her: Of course it is. You need to stop talking shit, because one of my friends who's really high up in the scene said you were saying things about me. So watch who you talk to, I don't need two-faced backstabbers in my life.
Me: Buh?

I still have no idea what exactly I supposedly said, and have not been given a chance to confront My accuser. I will gladly admit to any wrongdoing and any shit-talking, as I do have a big mouth, but I can't for the life of Me even think of what I could have said. I never take parts in feuds. I never have, and I never will. I will listen to both sides of the argument, and advise if it is needed, but I am a God-damned beacon of neutrality. For fuck's sake, I have recommended clients to My competition, at times. I am glad, however, that My friend decided to listen to someone else's opinion of Me, instead of confronting Me directly with an accusation. But I guess it's OK. They're "high up in the scene." Am I the only one who sees how amazingly retarded that statement is?

(If you have a problem with the fact that I used the expression "retarded," grow up. Social standing isn't determined by how politically correct I can be either)

I just needed a bit of space to vent. Currently, I am being much stricter and more reserved on FetLife, as well as with the conversations I choose to partake in, online and in real-life. I am limiting My play to the dungeon, and only to My closest partners. Those who wish to find Me can do so relatively with ease. But I'm no longer putting out the effort. You fucked it up for yourselves.

An interesting sidenote, while discussing things with kinksters I've known around the globe, this problem of catty, gossipy behavior and backstabbing is not spread scene-wide. It seems to have a particular penchant for some scenes, Philadelphia being one of them. I defended this place back when someone from the West Coast said that we were a joke big enough that even other cities had noticed.

I'm starting to agree with them.