So you want to get out there and meet other kinksters. That's great!
There are two types of kink-curious people I speak to. The first type isn't part of the "lifestyle." They aren't particularly interested, are in a vanilla relationship, don't have the time, or have one-off interests. Some simply prefer no involvement and want to just do the occasional "crazy thing." Other prefer to treat their play as one would a therapy session, as a complete reset of their brain. To these folks, I recommend private sessions and/or training with
a professional Dominant of repute. Most people who have the equipment and skills to deliver a powerful experience will rarely play with a stranger, much less an inexperienced one, as a one-off. They want to form some form of connection or relationship with their bottom in order to know them better. Professional Dominants, on the other hand, tend to be personable, adept at character reading, and skilled in their art and safety practices. Most of us do this because we love it: we love sharing our skill with new people, we enjoy the very wide variety of energies that flow in our dungeons, and we revel in learning about how the minds of other work.
The second type of kink-curious people I speak to are those who are more lifestyle-oriented. They actively have a desire to foster their interests and mold them as part of them. Some of them desire a D/s relationship, others are drawn to the community aspect of BDSM, and some just like having new life experiences. To these folk, I encourage them to join community events, classes, and local groups. I often get contacted online by people who want to "join," as if this was some kind of club; and every now and then, someone comes to My dungeon who would fare better as a lifestyler, but doesn't know where to start besides Me. I always start by pointing them out to the same resources. This writing is for you.
- A common thing to do if you want to learn more about your local community is to join FetLife. FetLife is the internet's leading BDSM social network. It is very much reliant on events and group discussions, and is best for folks who want to learn and participate in talks about the lifestyle. It often is the first thing newcomers do. Fetlife is not a site for hooking up, cruising, or finding partners. Although those things do happen, the vast majority of people on FetLife are actively involved with other people, be it romantically or otherwise. The site is not even really formatted for that. Folks who join up thinking they will find some quick kinky sex will be very disappointed. Not only will they not find it, but their ape-like approached is often mocked on several different boards. So how do you use it then? Simple: fill out a profile, place a sensible picture of yourself up (that means no cockshots, fellas!), and go to the Groups section. Type in the name of your area to find local discussions. In the case of Philadelphia, there are several groups, including Philly TNG, Philly Friends, and The Aviary Philly, all which cater to the locals. Join some interest groups... I am a member of Gay Male Sadists and Masochists, Sacred Pain, and Destiny's Chamber to name a few. Read. Participate. This is how you learn things.
- If you want some social interaction, but don't think you wanna "get kinky" right away, look into coming to a munch. A munch is a monthly social gathering for food and drinks, often at a diner or cafe. No leathers, no whips, just people getting together, eating, and catching up with each other. It's low key, and usually very welcoming. Larger metropolitan areas tend to have interest-specific munches. Here in Philadelphia, we have the Philadelphia TNG Munch (aimed at kinksters 18-35), The Aviary Munch (a good place for attendees and friends to get together and maybe make plans for the upcoming party?), and the Dress to Thrill Munch (that link has more!), just to name a few.
- Perhaps you've done a couple of munches, and you want to move on. Maybe the munch setting isn't really for you and you are curious about what the hell this "play" I keep going on about really is. Well, then it's time to jump in and come to a play party! There's always a party happening somewhere. Dress up or dress down, bring your toys or just come to watch, parties are good public environments to meet others kinksters and watch them play and engage in BDSM together. Now, parties are not pick-up grounds or cruising fields. Most public parties are not sex-positive, and require you keep your genitalia covered. However, there are also many private parties that are sex-positive, and where anything goes. If you intend to go to a party, please remember to mind your etiquette. Be sure to read the rules of the event, be respectful of others and their space, and don't touch things that aren't yours without asking (things and people). Please do not interrupt scenes (you can ask questions before or after) or leer creepily at something you find interesting. Polite observation is fine. These are safe spaces, and any harassment or discrimination will not be tolerated. Philadelphia's main BDSM play party is The Aviary, held every second Saturday at the William Way Center, in the heart of Center City. If you come to the Aviary, be sure to look for Goddess Thain or Myself and say hello! We always take time to chat newcomers up and answer questions.
- Is education more of your thing? Do you have your theory, but don't know where to get your practical? Going to classes is a great way to sharpen your skills and meet others who share your interests. There are all types of classes, from "seminar-style" talks, to hands-on lessons, to demos, to skillshares. They run the gamut of prices and interests, and many classes in larger cities are taught by both national and international presenters, allowing for a great deal of knowledge to be passed. Here in Philadelphia, classes are mainly organized by Passional and the Kink Shoppe. Both stores have their class schedules up on their websites. Now, for a bit of shameless self-promotion, I am doing a few classes this month (imagine that!). Next Monday, I will be hosting AndroShare: Mummification at Passional. AndroShare is a monthly skillshare for male-identified folk where we just sit around and talk about experiences with different things, and demo how to do some of those things. This month, we'll be focusing on mummification! Then, the weekend of the 19th is a rope intensive extravaganza, starting with Suspension Night @ Kink Shoppe on Friday, and followed by my rope 101 and 201 classes respectively, Picking Up the Ropes on Saturday, and From Harness to Hogtie on Sunday. As with all of My events, you can see a detailed listing right on My schedule page.
- I see it very often this last method these days, and I approve. Some folks just want to dive in and get a full immersion experience. They see an ad online, or maybe are fresh arrivals to FetLife and see a group post, and a week later, they are attending a weekend event. The experience, although amazing, can be sometimes overwhelming for first-timers. These large, regional events are incredible places to meet kinksters from all walks of life, learn from top-notch presenters, shop from quality independent vendors, and experience the community like never before. One of My first outings was FetFest 2011, and I remember it fondly as an amazing, transformatory time. Many of these, such as The Floating World and Dark Odyssey happen out of state, the two just mentioned in New Jersey and Maryland, respectively. They can be quite pricey, so make sure to get early ticket, or to apply to volunteer for the events if you are a bit tight on cash. These weekend-long extravaganzas tend to include a hotel with well-priced room, and are very fun. Anyone going to them walks out with something, be it new friends, new skills, or new toys.
So there you are, five ways you can meet kinksters in your local community. It is often easy to forget that what may seem common sense to us kinksters is confusing and new to folks who are just coming into this. So I thought it would be good to answer the questions I am perpetually asked in one long writing. It was once expressed to Me such: There are some 10,000 kinksters in the Philadelphia area metropolitan area, and only about 1,000 participate in lifestyle events. This is not because the other 90% don't wish to participate (though I'm sure about half of them don't), but mainly because they don't know how to start. Of course, I cannot vouch for those numbers, but they look pretty accurate to a local.
There is incredible power in community, because in community there is there is knowledge and compassion. I look back at before when My journey started, and think of all the people I have met since then, and how I felt such connection with them. I went through a very rough patch last year, and when I thought I had lost everything and nowhere to go, I still had this community, who propped Me back up and helped Me out. And I wonder, how many people out there have no-one. Or are trapped in a life that they feel is not their own. And I remember loneliness.
I suppose that's My reason for this. I want to tell people who are scared, or worried, or hesitant "Come out! It's OK. There is family here" and open a door to all of this, giving people tangible links and examples. I didn't have it, and it's the question I hear most often: "Where can I meet others?" Well, here are some solutions. Take notice of them, and when you feel ready, step through those doors and come out to play.
Hope to see you out there!
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My schedule for September can be found here.
The TNG Munch is tomorrow.
AndroShare: Mummification is next Monday.
The Aviary Munch is next Tuesday.